Looking at this picture, I think of the man I was at that time in my life, filled with youth and vigor, naivete, yet maturing emotionally and spiritually...it was the beginnings of my journey as an actor. The initial steps toward breaking some generational patterns, although I did not know it at the time. Something deep inside of me compelled me to move forward and I jumped in with both feet, not knowing what I was getting myself into.
It was 1993 and that December I went on my first audition and got the part. I was bit by the bug as they say, I was sprung, I took the leap. I decided in that moment that this is what I was going to do with my life. I spent years in acting classes, getting better and better, growing, not always gracefully but nevertheless moving and at times falling forward. I had great ambitions, hopes and dreams of what success would mean for myself and my family.
Along the way I faced a lot of rejection, its par for the course. No actor is going to get every role that they go out for. And with so few roles available in Atlanta at the time and many of us going after the same roles, it put a lot of stress on peer relationships. It didn't have to be this way but as I got certain opportunities and met with certain successes, some in my circle seem not to be happy for me. - - Your success is more meaningful, when it is shared, so this culture that existed at the time can have a tremendous impact on you emotionally and mentally.
AN ASIDE:
The stress on peer relationships, still exists in some ways, but there is so much work in Atlanta now that it lessens some of the competitive isolation.
ONWARD:
The rejections and the stresses on peer relationships took a deep emotional toll on me. I wasn't being validated the way I had hoped at the start. Self-doubt grew, I became more and more defeated and increasingly more isolated. Not willing to quit, I double-down, again and again. I saw a few little crumbs of success hear and there, but in Atlanta in the mid to late 1990's there just wasn't much work out there. And in all that downtime, I had plenty of time to lament and become awash with discouragement. This led to quite a bit of detours and distractions. But I always found a way back.
Around 1998 I met a director who saw that “thing” in me and he told me emphatically that “you are a director.” I didn't receive it because there was still a part of me that needed to be validated externally. People had to see me on the big screen and applaud me, because subconsciously If they did that I could do it for myself. In essence, if they love me, I could love me...fully.
However, as I continued my pursuit I found “the” love, I discovered my talent and made a commitment to not stop until I reached “that true” goal. The goal to be famous, to be validated, to be recognized, it wasn't enough. Seeking fame could not carry me through the darkest hours nor through the many twists and turns of a career in the entertainment industry. I needed something else. I needed something greater than myself. It was there, although I wasn't as fully aware of it at the time.
THE DISCOVERY:
Around 2002 / 2003 and after an extended period of not getting the roles that I believed would best use my talents, I got on “the” path I was meant to be on. I begin to craft my own stories and learn every part of the process. Thus began my journey as a writer, producer, director.
Each of these disciplines has its own demands and activates a different part of me. But on this new path, which was and is a knew path, I found something in me that is unshakable. Purpose, Peace, and Passion. Yeah I know it's cliché and may be a bit tongue and cheek but 'tis true.
The first time I directed something, my soul settled. For the first time in a long time, I no longer needed to be seen, to be validated externally, I no longer needed the applause. There was a purity there, I was in a real zen space. I often use the metaphor of Keanu Reeves' character Neo in the Matrix. Directing for me is parallel to when Neo saw the matrix for the first time. His entire view of the world changed. He could see it, he could maneuver through it, and in time he could master it. And just as Neo recognized who he was, so too did I as a director.
To say I love directing is an understatement. It's more than that. It satisfies my soul. It stills me and rewards me more than just about anything else in my life...but where did all of this come from. I worked much harder at being an actor than I ever did as a director, but I have had much more success as a director. I often had to find the confidence as an actor, never as a director, it was just there.
It doesn't make sense to me, which leads me to the spiritual dynamic of what this is for me. When I'm directing something else is going on, something beyond me, for any of you who have found that in your life, you know what I mean.
ORIGINS:
In many ways, I believe my development as a director began as a kid when after the Saturday morning cartoons, I would go out in our backyard and build worlds with my Hot Wheels cars, GI Joe soldiers, and Star Wars action figures. I built locations out of sticks, dirt, leaves, and rocks. I created storylines and characters and I would spend all day doing it. So in that, I guess I have always been a director, in some ways without really knowing it.
To that end I want to thank GOD for LaVonne Jenkins - - he is the director I mentioned earlier who saw it in me. He saw what I didn't see at the time.
This is why it is so important for us to speak life into each other. To have elders share their experiences and guide us with their wisdom.
I'm thankful for my journey thus far, knowing that I have much more distance yet to travel and many more milestones to reach. I am thankful for knowing, internally and now always knowing that “it” is there. I am thankful for waking every day and being granted another opportunity to know real peace, and passion and to live in my purpose.
So....to the many of you who have reached out to offer me Thanksgiving and Birthday greetings, I want to say thank you. I appreciate each gesture and I will get around to responding to you all directly. For now, accept my gratitude, see my humility and know that I am sending you back love and blessings.
The picture above is my very first headshot...wow, who I was then and what I know now.
More later...
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